Is Michael Oren a ‘real’ person?

The alleged former ambassador has made numerous statements and claims recently that cast serious doubts on the veracity of his existence as a real person – most recently, news that he initiated a parliamentary inquiry into whether Ahed Tamimi’s family is ‘real.’ (Satire)

Alleged Ambassador Michael Oren expresses cynicism about something-or-other at the Knesset, June 27, 2017. (Yonatan Sindel/Flash90)
Alleged Ambassador Michael Oren expresses cynicism about something-or-other at the Knesset, June 27, 2017. (Yonatan Sindel/Flash90)

For the past two years, +972 Magazine has been conducting a secret investigation into whether Michael Oren, Israel’s alleged former ambassador to the United States, is “a real person” or just an actor playing a character invented by Israel’s hasbara agencies. The investigation did not reach any unequivocal conclusions.

The investigation looked into border-line fantastical actions and statements by Alleged Ambassador Oren, including but not limited to: penning opeds suggesting that Barack Obama’s Mideast policies can be explained by his daddy issues; boastfully interfering in the reporting of one of America’s most respected television news magazines; arguing that Israel was a LGBTQ haven two decades before homosexuality was even legalized in the country; comparing the status of disenfranchised Palestinians living under foreign military rule in the West Bank to Americans who live in Washington DC; endorsing the extra-judicial killing of Palestinians suspected of violent crimes; and most recently, reportedly initiating a parliamentary inquiry into whether the family of Ahed Tamimi is “real.”

“The final assessment was that Oren ‘apparently is a real person, but slowly, characteristics and bits of crazy that fit the profile [the hasbara machine] sought were ‘annexed’ to him,” +972’s chief investigator said. Nevertheless, she added, “there was no unequivocal conclusion on the matter.”

Doing absolutely nothing to dispel doubts about the veracity of his existence as an authentic person, Michael Oren poses with a ‘USS Liberty’ memorial website. (File photo by Yossi Zamir/Flash90)
Doing absolutely nothing to dispel doubts about the veracity of his existence as an authentic person, Michael Oren poses with a ‘USS Liberty’ memorial website. (File photo by Yossi Zamir/Flash90)

Alleged Ambassador Oren's suspicious fashion choice.The investigator also said she looked into whether “Oren was chosen for his appearance” – grey-haired, blue-eyed and light-skinned. “Also clothing. A real costume. Israeli dress in every respect, not American, with an unbuttoned shirt. Even Floridians don’t wear their collars like that,” she said. “It was all contrived. It’s what’s known as Hasbarollywood.”

She said she realizes this sounds like a conspiracy theory, but insisted that “we naturally had to investigate this question, whether he is a real person or not.” She added that she and her staff nicknamed Oren “Alec Baldwin,” after the actor who plays Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live, because “that wasn’t the real president; he was an actor.”

Other editors at +972 Magazine said they did not recall any discussion of Michael Oren at weekly editorial meetings, and certainly not one focusing on whether he was a “real” person. Nevertheless, several editors also admitted that they often skipped meetings, so the discussion could have occurred at a session when most of them were not present.

***

The above is satire. Michael Oren is in all likelihood a real person. He did, however, initiate a parliamentary inquiry, in which the Shin Bet and National Security Council participated, into the question of whether Ahed Tamimi’s family is “real,” according to a report in Haaretz Wednesday, upon which this article is based.

Fun fact: it turns out that Oren, formerly a historian, is also an aspiring fiction writer.