A couple of days ago, I came across this clip – one the greatest (if not THE greatest) comedy skits of all time. If you’re not familiar with it (really?) please play, and enjoy.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aehzwwD2II&feature=related[/youtube]
Inspiration kicked in, and I wrote two of my own versions. I couldn’t decide which one I wanted to post, so I just figured I’ll swamp you with both. The first one is actually the one I wrote later. At the bottom of this post, a small note from moi.
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Abbott: Well, Costello, I’m going to Israel with you. Prime Minister Netanyahu gave me a job in his Hasbara ministry, under Minister Yuli Edelstein.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re gonna work in Hasbara, you gotta masbir me some stuff about all those guys in Jerusalem. You know what I’m talking about?
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s praying to whom and where.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these religions now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names.
Costello: Really?
Abbott: Yeah. Well, let’s see, we can do it by the holy sites, Who’s on the Western Wall, What’s on the Dome of The Rock, I Don’t Know is at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre…
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who’s at the Wall, What’s at the Dome, I Don’t Know’s at the church.
Costello: Are you gonna work in Hasbara?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna work in Jerusalem too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know the religion’s names.
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who’s at the Wall?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the religion’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The religion at the Wall.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guys who pray at the Western Wall.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guys praying…
Abbott: Who is at the Wall!
Costello: I’m asking you who’s at the Wall.
Abbott: That’s the religion’s name.
Costello: That’s who’s name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yes. (PAUSE)
Costello: Look, you gotta Western Wall?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who’s praying there?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: When you go every Sabbath to pray at the Wall, who’s there?
Abbott: Many of them, yes.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the religion’s name at the Wall.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The religion that prays…
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Who prays and puts the notes…
Abbott: They do, every note in the Wall. Sometimes the women come down and put notes in it, too.
Costello: Who’s women?
Abbott: Yes. [PAUSES] What’s wrong with that?
Costello: I wanna know is when you ask what religion they belong to at the Wall, what do they say?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The religion.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How do they call…
Abbott: That’s what they call it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes. (PAUSE)
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the religion’s name at the Western Wall.
Abbott: No. What is at the Dome.
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s at the Dome.
Abbott: Who’s at the Wall.
Costello: One site at a time!
Abbott: Well, don’t change the religions around.
Costello: I’m not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I’m only asking you, who’s the religion at the Wall?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: OK.
Abbott: Alright. (PAUSE)
Costello: What’s the religion’s name at the Wall?
Abbott: No. What is at the Dome.
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s at the Dome.
Abbott: Who’s at the Wall.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: They’re at the Church, we’re not talking about them.
Costello: Now how did I get to the Church?!
Abbott: Why, you mentioned their name.
Costello: If I mentioned the Church’s name, who did I say is praying at the Church?
Abbott: No. Who’s praying at the Wall.
Costello: What’s at which site?
Abbott: What’s at the Dome.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: They’re at the Church.
Costello: There I go, back to the Church again! [PAUSES]. Would you just stay at the Church and don’t leave it.
Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now, who’s praying at the Church?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who at the Church?
Costello: What am I putting at the Church?
Abbott: No. What is at the Dome.
Costello: You don’t want who at the Dome?
Abbott: Who is at the Wall.
Costello: I don’t know. (Together): Church! (PAUSE)
Costello: Look, you got another religion there?
Abbott: Sure. In the Armenian quarter.
Costello: What’s their name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I’d tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who’s praying in the Quarter.
Abbott: Who’s praying at the Wall.
Costello: I’m not…stay out of the Wall!!! I want to know what’s the religion’s name in the Quarter?
Abbott: No, What is at the Dome.
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s at the Dome.
Abbott: Who’s at the Wall!
Costello: I don’t know. (Together): Church! (PAUSE)
Costello: The name of the guys in the Quarter?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, they’re in the Galilee. (PAUSE)
Costello: Look, you got some nomads in the Negev, right?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: What’s their name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?
Abbott: I’m telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s in the Negev?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not in the Negev.
Costello: I’ll break your arm if you say who’s at the Wall!!! I want to know what’s the nomad’s name?
Abbott: What’s at the Dome.
Costello: I don’t know. (Together): Church! (PAUSE) You got other sects up north?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: What’s their name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow’s in the Negev.
Abbott: Now you’ve got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days in the Holy Land. (PAUSE) You know I’m a bit of a history buff myself.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I can’t wait to get to the Old City. See the sights, especially where Jesus was crucified. But I can just see myself getting lost, asking for directions. All I want to do is pray at the Church – and how do I get there and pray with the folks there? I don’t know.
Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! (PAUSE)
Abbott: That’s all you have to do.
Costello: Is to tell them that I don’t know?
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Tell who that I’m lost?
Abbott: The police: Naturally. (PAUSE)
Costello: Look, if I get lost, who should I got to?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I get lost and ask who.
Abbott: No you don’t ask who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: That’s what I said.
Abbott: you’re not saying it…
Costello: Who do I ask?
Abbott: Don’t ask Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: But I don’t ask who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You don’t ask Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I get to the Old City. I go to see who at the Wall, then I walk up the stairs to see What’s at the Dome and after lunch I go and pray with I don’t Know at the Church. After I leave the Old City I go south to see Tomorrow and then up north to see Today! Why? I don’t know! They’re at Church and I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that’s the government.
Costello: (makes screaming sound)
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This one below is a bit more relevant to current events.
Abbot: Well, Costello, it looks like I’ll be joining you on your trip to the Holy Land.
Costello: Great! But look Abbot, if you’re gonna join me then you have to know all the names of the ministers in the Israeli government.
Abbot: I certainly do.
Costello: Good. Gimme the top 3.
Abbot: Let’s see, we’ve got Eli Yishai the racist, Avigdor Lieberman the fascist and Benjamin Netanyahu the liar.
Costello: OK, so Lieberman is the guy deportin’ the kids, right?
Abbot: Wrong.
Costello: But you said he’s the fascist.
Abbot: Yes.
Costello: So he’s not the fascist.
Abbot: He is.
Costello: Then who’s deporting the kids?
Abbot: Yishai.
Costello: But he’s the racist.
Abbot: Right.
Costello: But I thought the racist was the guy doin’ the loyalty oath.
Abbot: No, that’s the fascist. Lieberman.
Costello: So they were lying?
Abbot: No, that’s Netanyahu. He’s the liar.
Costello: Why’s he the liar?
Abbot: Because he said he supports two states.
Costello: How does that make him a liar?
Abbot: Because he doesn’t support two states.
Costello: But I thought the fascist was the guy who didn’t support two states.
Abbot: He does.
Costello: So the fascist is a liar, too?
Abbot: I never said the fascist was a liar.
Costello: So who’s lying?
Abbot: Just the liar.
Costello: What’s wrong with that?
Abbot: Nothing’s wrong. Actually, he thinks he’s right.
Costello: He isn’t right?
Abbot: He’s as right as they come.
Costello: More right than the fascist?
Abbot: No, the fascist is more right than the liar.
Costello: And what about Yishai?
Abbot: The racist?
Costello: Yeah.
Abbot: He’s somewhere in the middle.
Costello: Where?
Abbot: Between the fascist and the liar.
Costello: So, the racist is between the fascist and the liar.
Abbot: Exactly.
Costello: So wait s minute. If the liar is right, what exactly is he lying about?
Abbot: The freeze.
Costello: He’s not freezing?
Abbot: Nope.
Costello: He’s warming.
Abbot: No, he’s building.
Costello: Building? I thought you said he wasn’t freezing.
Abbot: Yeah.
Costello: So, in Israel the opposite of freezing is building?
Abbot: Exactly.
Costello: Jesus, what’s up with this place?!
Abbot: Jesus doesn’t call the shots around here any more.
Costello: So who does?
Abbot: The liar.
Costello: The liar is the leader?
Abbot: Depends.
Costello: On what?
Abbot: On who you ask?
Costello: I’m asking you!
Abbot: If you’re asking me, the fascist is the leader.
Costello: But you said the liar was the leader.
Abbot: True.
Costello: So the fascist is a liar, too?
Abbot: I never said that.
Costello: Then, is the liar a fascist?
Abbot: The jury’s still out on that one.
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I’m happy to be a part of +972, which is just another soldier in the army of liberal Israelis who are awakening across the country. We are awake online, and we are awake on the streets. And we will not shut up any longer.
Many of you say “That’s a load of bull. No one is shutting you up. It’s a free country”. Sure it is. But if you say something that isn’t mainstream you’re immediately tagged as a traitor to the State.
No more.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJV-ExBT7DU[/youtube]
“Big Brother”
Your name is big brother
You say that you’re watching me on the tele,
Seeing me go nowhere,
Your name is big brother,
You say that you’re tired of me protesting,
Children dying everyday,
My name is nobody
But I can’t wait to see your face inside my door
Your name is big brother
You say that you got me all in your notebook,
Writing it down everyday,
Your name is I’ll see ya,
I’ll change if you vote me in as the pres,
The President of your soul
I live in the ghetto,
You just come to visit me ’round election time
I live in the ghetto,
Someday I will move on my feet to the other side,
My name is secluded,
we live in a house the size of a matchbox,
Roaches live with us wall to wall,
You’ve killed all our leaders,
I don’t even have to do nothin’ to you
You’ll cause your own country to fall