Izzie in HolyLand – Part 12: The Press Conference

Izzie in HolyLand - Part 12: The Press Conference

Regev: Ms. Holyland, it’s time to go.

Izzie: Shut up Mark, I know it’s time to go. Don’t push me around, it’s my ass they’re gonna grill out there – not yours.

Regev: Sorry, Ms. Holyland. But look at it this way: we’re prepared. We have answers for everything. Just look at the papers if you forget something, everything’s there.

Izzie: Almost everything. There’s still that one question we don’t have an answer for. One question that could ruin the whole thing, you dimwit.

Regev: Well, maybe they won’t ask it… maybe they’ll forget.

Izzie: Jesus, I’m surrounded by morons. I’m not doing “maybe’ anymore, Mark! Last time I got “maybe” for an answer was when I asked Meir Dagan if the Mavi Marmara had any violent activists on it. And two weeks before that, he said the same fucking thing when I asked him if Iran had nukes!

Regev: It’ll be fine. Trust me. Come, they’re waiting.

Izzie and Regev go out on stage. The foreign press has come out in huge numbers to hear her statement on the easing of the siege on Gaza.

Regev: Good evening to you all. In just a minute, Ms. Israel Holyland will deliver a short statement about the easing of the siege. After that, she will take a few questions. We request you do not leave after the Q&A as we will be joined byDanny Seaman who will share some of his travel tips about Gaza City, nightlife in the Strip and the best secluded beaches for skinny dipping.

Izzie takes the stand

Izzie: It has come to my attention that civilians in Hamastan have forgotten the taste of pasta and coriander. There have also been some complaints about toy shortages, mainly plastic Qassam rockets and fake suicide belts. As a result, Israel has decided to ease some of the restrictions on the civilian population of Terrorstan. A new list will be provided to you at the end of this session. That’s all. Happy now?

Izzie whispers under her breath: Maybe now they’ll leave us alone, the anti-semites…

A journalist from SKY news: Ms. Holyland! Did you just say something? Did you call the foreign press anti-semites?

Izzie: No, No!!! I said “invites”! I said Mark must have sent out a lot of invites to this one. Right Mark?

Regev: Yes, Ms. Holyland. I did. Now, if we can just move on to the question stage. Let’s see…. who shall we give the first one to… How ’bout the nice lady sitting quietly in the front row here, Helen Thomas. Kidding… kidding… I’m just kidding. Ummm… OK. Guess you didn’t like that one. Anyway, ummm… Ethan Bronner, New York Times.

Bronner: Ms. Holyland, when will the new restrictions come into effect?

Izzie smiles, it’s an easy one. She loves Ethan…

Izzie: Hi Ethan… they’ll begin immediately. We don’t want to deny those Gaza kids their coriander now, do we?

Regev: Tim Franks, BBC.

Franks: Ms. Holyland, was this move made due to the immense international pressure on your government to end the siege on Gaza?

Piece of cake. Going well so far, she thinks to herself…

Izzie: Thanks for your question Tim, but no. In fact, the international pressure – which the whole world should be ashamed of, because it is basically dark forces that are behind it, dark, evil forces like in a Star Wars movie, not the good “may the force be with you” stuff, more like the Darth Vader and all those guys in black forces, I even had people from the Balkans call me about it, but I barely understood them, I was like: “Hey, can I get a freakin’ vowel here?”, I mean, what’s up with that language over there? – but anyway, that international pressure didn’t play a part. Not only that, I’ve been thinking about lifting the siege for a while now, I just haven’t gotten to it.

Franks: Haven’t “gotten” to it?

Izzie: Yeah, I just didn’t have time. Way too busy….

Regev: Guy Azriel, CNN.

Franks: Mark, if I could just ask Ms. Holyland to explain why she didn’t have time to –

Regev: Nope. Azriel?

Azriel: Ms. Holyland, some people are calling this a victory for Turkish PM Erdogan. What’s your reaction to that?

Izzie could barely hold back the grin for this one…

Izzie: Some people may. And some people may call Erdogan’s battle against the rebel Kurds a victory, by using Israeli drones against them. Yeah, I’d call that a “victory”. Now that I think about it, Erdogan’s chock full o’ victories! Such a military mastermind!

Izzie looks at Regev. They’re on cloud nine. Couldn’t be going better.

Regev: Rachel Shabi, The Guardian.

Shabi stands up, and a wide grin begins to form on her face.

Shabi: Ms. Holyland, isn’t the fact that you are finally letting in these products proof that the siege on Gaza has all along been nothing more than collective punishment?

Izzie stares back at Shabi, the blood slowly draining from her face. She looks back at Regev, then back at Shabi, who’s still waiting. Everybody’s waiting…

Izzie: I… ummm…

Izzie feels all the eyes in the room on her. She looks back at Regev, who suddenly buries his head in his papers. “That fucking retard”, she hisses to herself, “I swear to G-d I’ll hang him. ‘Maybe they won’t ask it’, he says. Dimwit…”

Izzie: Well, ya know… umm…

Shabi sits down, watching the hole get deeper every second

Izzie: I think I better, ummm…

Regev comes in with big strides, with a nervous grin plastered on his face

Regev: So how ’bout those Lakers, huh?