Izzie in HolyLand – Part 16: A phone call to remember

Izzie and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman are discussing strategies to continue obstructing the all but vanishing peace process, when suddenly the phone rings

Izzie: So listen, Avigdor, I’ve been thinking… I’m kinda spooked about this whole unilateral thing the Palestinians are planning. I mean, whaddya think, do they have a chance with the UN? Will Obama support a declaration of independence?

Avigdor: Nyet.



Izzie: That’s it? “Nyet”? That’s all you have to say? I’m serious, Avigdor, we gotta be prepared for this, don’t you think you could you elaborate just a bit?

Avigdor: Nyet.





Izzie: I don’t know what it is, but I find you extremely attractive right now. Do you wanna –

Avigdor: Nyet.



Izzie: OK. So, anyway,


Izzie: Yeah Ruthie, what is it.

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, President Obama is on the line, shall I transfer?

Izzie puts her hand on the receiver, whispers to Avigdor

Izzie: Holy shit Avigdor, it’s Barack! Should I tell him to hold?

Avigdor: Nyet.



Izzie: OK listen, I’m getting tired of this laconic crap. I’m taking the call.

Hand off the receiver

Izzie: OK Ruthie, put him through.

Obama: Izzie?

Izzie: Baracky! How are you baby? I’ve missed you.

Obama: Ummm… me too. I’m OK, I guess.

Izzie: You sure? Cuz I heard you got whipped in the midterms.

Obama: Yeah, well –

Izzie: But hey, at least that O’Donnell gal didn’t get in, huh? I mean, look at the bright side. Boy,
she was a piece o’ work.

Obama: Yeah, well –

Izzie: So, I guess you’ll have to warm up a bit to the Republican guys, huh? I mean, only if you want to, right? I mean, you’re the Prez, after all…

Izzie winks at Avigdor. He remains frozen. She whispers to him

Izzie: Avigdor, loosen up for Christ’s sake. You’re like a dead man walkin’.

Obama: Izzie, are you talking to someone?

Izzie: No, no! Just mumbling something, sorry. Anyway Baracky, whassup?

Obama: Listen, Izzie, I’ve been thinking,

Izzie: Shoot.

Obama: About the whole freeze thing,

Izzie: Yeah, what of it?

Obama: Well, I was wondering if maybe you and I, you know, could maybe agree on something. I mean, I’m willing to help you out if you help me out, ya know?

Izzie: Hmmm…. sounds interesting… whadja have in mind Baracky?

Obama: Well, is there anything I can give you for, let’s say, a 3 month freeze?

Izzie: Nope.

Obama: Nothing?

Izzie: Of course not. I can’t be bribed. I can’t even believe you’d think that I would take anything from you just so I would stop building in the Holy Land of my forefathers. You got real chutzpah,
you know that Baracky?

Obama: Come on, Izzie, cut me some slack here. Ya gotta give me something. I’ll tell ya what, ask me for something and I’ll see if I can give it in exchange for 90 days.

Izzie opens her eyes wide and whispers to Avigdor

Izzie: Avigdor, he says I can ask for something in exchange for 90 days, got any ideas?

Avigdor: Nyet.





Izzie: Do you even breath or anything? Jesus….

Obama: Izzie? Are you sure you’re alone?

Izzie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just thinking…. ummm. First of all, I’d have to have it all in writing, OK?

Obama: Um, I guess. Why, you don’t trust me?

Izzie: Sure I do….

Izzie winks at Avigdor, and whispers

Izzie: Avigdor, can you believe this guy? Like I’d trust a guy named Hussein. C’mon….

Obama: So, Izzie, whaddya say….

Izzie: OK. Listen, first of all, I’ll do the freeze – but not in East Jerusalem.

Obama: Fine. You got it.



Izzie: Did you just say “I got it”?

Obama: Yup.

Izzie whispers to Avigdor

Izzie: Holy crap, did you hear that?! He’s letting me build in East Jerusalem. Oh my God. Oh my

Obama: Izzie?

Izzie: Yeah, I’m here. Just thanking G-d. Anyway, listen. I’ll do the freeze, but I want you to
promise me this will be the last time you ask me. Promise me.

Obama: I promise.

Izzie’s jaw drops. She stares at Avigdor, speechless, manages to whisper

Izzie: Avigdor, you’re not going to believe this. The president is stoned. I repeat. The president is stoned. I can ask for anything.

Avigdor doesn’t flinch

Obama: Anything else, Izzie?

Izzie: Ummm…. yeah. But, you’re OK, right?

Obama: Yeah, fine.

Izzie: Cool. Anyway, how about you promise me to veto any unilateral moves the Palestinians do in the UN.

Obama: Sure, no problem.

Izzie slams her fist on the desk. She’s panting, sweat dripping from her brow. She whispers to Avigdor

Izzie: Avigdor, you have to help me, he’s giving me everything for 90 days. I can’t do this much
longer, I feel weak.

Obama: Izzie? I think there’s someone there. Just tell me who it is.

Izzie: No no, I’m alone. Seriously.

She takes a big gulp, and speaks very slowly

Izzie: Baracky, I want you to promise me that during the negotiations, the issue of borders will be dealt with in the context of other cores issues. That it won’t become a separate issue.

Obama: Yeah, I can do that. Sure.

Izzie slams her fist twice. She can’t take it. She looks at Avigdor, her eyes pleading for help

Avigdor: Ask him to give you twenty F-35 fighter jets.



Izzie: Avigdor, I can’t do that, he’ll –

Avigdor: Do it!

Izzie looks at his clear blue eyes, and feels attracted yet extremely terrified at once. She knows she has to do it

Izzie: Barack, you there?

Obama: Yeah, I am. You alright? You don’t sound so good.

Izzie: Ummm.. I’m OK…. Listen. One last thing.

Obama: Shoot.

Izzie: Ummmm…. I want twenty F-35 fighter jets.

Obama: OK.

Izzie: I said 20.

Obama: Yeah, I heard ya.

Izzie: For a 90 day freeze.

Obama: Yup.

Izzie: 20 jets, worth billions of dollars, and everything else I asked for, for 90 days.

Obama: Yup.

Izzie lifts her head and starts looking for the guy from the hidden camera show. She whispers his name: “Yehuda… Yehuda Barkan…. you can come out…. I got it….”

Obama: So Izzie, we got a deal?

Izzie’s slumped in her chair, Avigdor wiping her brow with a wet towel

Izzie: Yeah, yeah, just give me a sec.

Obama: OK, well, I’ll send over the paper and we’ll take it from there, OK?

Izzie: Sure, sure…

She hangs up, and looks at Avigdor

Izzie: Wow. That was amazing. Such a good deal…. I guess we’ll have to start the freeze, huh?

Avigdor: Nyet.


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