Izzie: So listen, Avigdor, I’ve been thinking… I’m kinda spooked about this whole unilateral thing the Palestinians are planning. I mean, whaddya think, do they have a chance with the UN? Will Obama support a declaration of independence?
Izzie: That’s it? “Nyet”? That’s all you have to say? I’m serious, Avigdor, we gotta be prepared for this, don’t you think you could you elaborate just a bit?
Izzie: I don’t know what it is, but I find you extremely attractive right now. Do you wanna –
Izzie: OK. So, anyway,
Izzie: Yeah Ruthie, what is it.
Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, President Obama is on the line, shall I transfer?
Izzie puts her hand on the receiver, whispers to Avigdor
Izzie: Holy shit Avigdor, it’s Barack! Should I tell him to hold?
Izzie: OK listen, I’m getting tired of this laconic crap. I’m taking the call.
Hand off the receiver
Izzie: OK Ruthie, put him through.
Izzie: Baracky! How are you baby? I’ve missed you.
Obama: Ummm… me too. I’m OK, I guess.
Izzie: You sure? Cuz I heard you got whipped in the midterms.
Obama: Yeah, well –
Izzie: But hey, at least that O’Donnell gal didn’t get in, huh? I mean, look at the bright side. Boy,
she was a piece o’ work.
Obama: Yeah, well –
Izzie: So, I guess you’ll have to warm up a bit to the Republican guys, huh? I mean, only if you want to, right? I mean, you’re the Prez, after all…
Izzie winks at Avigdor. He remains frozen. She whispers to him
Izzie: Avigdor, loosen up for Christ’s sake. You’re like a dead man walkin’.
Obama: Izzie, are you talking to someone?
Izzie: No, no! Just mumbling something, sorry. Anyway Baracky, whassup?
Obama: Listen, Izzie, I’ve been thinking,
Obama: About the whole freeze thing,
Izzie: Yeah, what of it?
Obama: Well, I was wondering if maybe you and I, you know, could maybe agree on something. I mean, I’m willing to help you out if you help me out, ya know?
Izzie: Hmmm…. sounds interesting… whadja have in mind Baracky?
Obama: Well, is there anything I can give you for, let’s say, a 3 month freeze?
Izzie: Of course not. I can’t be bribed. I can’t even believe you’d think that I would take anything from you just so I would stop building in the Holy Land of my forefathers. You got real chutzpah,
you know that Baracky?
Obama: Come on, Izzie, cut me some slack here. Ya gotta give me something. I’ll tell ya what, ask me for something and I’ll see if I can give it in exchange for 90 days.
Izzie opens her eyes wide and whispers to Avigdor
Izzie: Avigdor, he says I can ask for something in exchange for 90 days, got any ideas?
Izzie: Do you even breath or anything? Jesus….
Obama: Izzie? Are you sure you’re alone?
Izzie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just thinking…. ummm. First of all, I’d have to have it all in writing, OK?
Obama: Um, I guess. Why, you don’t trust me?
Izzie: Sure I do….
Izzie winks at Avigdor, and whispers
Izzie: Avigdor, can you believe this guy? Like I’d trust a guy named Hussein. C’mon….
Obama: So, Izzie, whaddya say….
Izzie: OK. Listen, first of all, I’ll do the freeze – but not in East Jerusalem.
Obama: Fine. You got it.
Izzie: Did you just say “I got it”?
Izzie whispers to Avigdor
Izzie: Holy crap, did you hear that?! He’s letting me build in East Jerusalem. Oh my God. Oh my
Izzie: Yeah, I’m here. Just thanking G-d. Anyway, listen. I’ll do the freeze, but I want you to
promise me this will be the last time you ask me. Promise me.
Obama: I promise.
Izzie’s jaw drops. She stares at Avigdor, speechless, manages to whisper
Izzie: Avigdor, you’re not going to believe this. The president is stoned. I repeat. The president is stoned. I can ask for anything.
Avigdor doesn’t flinch
Obama: Anything else, Izzie?
Izzie: Ummm…. yeah. But, you’re OK, right?
Obama: Yeah, fine.
Izzie: Cool. Anyway, how about you promise me to veto any unilateral moves the Palestinians do in the UN.
Obama: Sure, no problem.
Izzie slams her fist on the desk. She’s panting, sweat dripping from her brow. She whispers to Avigdor
Izzie: Avigdor, you have to help me, he’s giving me everything for 90 days. I can’t do this much
longer, I feel weak.
Obama: Izzie? I think there’s someone there. Just tell me who it is.
Izzie: No no, I’m alone. Seriously.
She takes a big gulp, and speaks very slowly
Izzie: Baracky, I want you to promise me that during the negotiations, the issue of borders will be dealt with in the context of other cores issues. That it won’t become a separate issue.
Obama: Yeah, I can do that. Sure.
Izzie slams her fist twice. She can’t take it. She looks at Avigdor, her eyes pleading for help
Avigdor: Ask him to give you twenty F-35 fighter jets.
Izzie: Avigdor, I can’t do that, he’ll –
Avigdor: Do it!
Izzie looks at his clear blue eyes, and feels attracted yet extremely terrified at once. She knows she has to do it
Izzie: Barack, you there?
Obama: Yeah, I am. You alright? You don’t sound so good.
Izzie: Ummm.. I’m OK…. Listen. One last thing.
Izzie: Ummmm…. I want twenty F-35 fighter jets.
Izzie: I said 20.
Obama: Yeah, I heard ya.
Izzie: For a 90 day freeze.
Izzie: 20 jets, worth billions of dollars, and everything else I asked for, for 90 days.
Izzie lifts her head and starts looking for the guy from the hidden camera show. She whispers his name: “Yehuda… Yehuda Barkan…. you can come out…. I got it….”
Obama: So Izzie, we got a deal?
Izzie’s slumped in her chair, Avigdor wiping her brow with a wet towel
Izzie: Yeah, yeah, just give me a sec.
Obama: OK, well, I’ll send over the paper and we’ll take it from there, OK?
Izzie: Sure, sure…
She hangs up, and looks at Avigdor
Izzie: Wow. That was amazing. Such a good deal…. I guess we’ll have to start the freeze, huh?
For more Izzie, press here