Ruth: Yes, Ms. HolyLand?
Izzie: Ruth, get me all seven kitchen cabinet ministers in here. Pronto!
Ruth: Yes, Ms. HolyLand, right away.
In walk Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Defense Minister Ehud Barak, Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman, Minister of Strategic Affairs Moshe (Bogie) Ya’alon, Interior Minister Eli Yishai, Intelligence Minister Dan Meridor and Minister of Nothing Benny Begin.
Izzie: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. But I’d like to talk to you about something that’s happening right now, as we speak, that could affect the lives of all of us.
Netanyahu: I know. I sent my condolences to the Israeli CEO of IKEA. Can you believe how fast that place went up in flames? Too bad, Sara loved those Swedish meatballs.
Izzie slams her fist on the table
Izzie: I’m not talking about that, you moron! This is much more serious! Have you even been watching CNN? There’s a revolution going on in Egypt! We’re about to lose one of the most important things we’ve held of utmost importance for years!
Meridor: You mean the peace treaty with Egypt?
Izzie: No! I mean the catchphrase “the only democracy in the Middle East”!
The ministers shudder at the thought
Izzie: I thought as much. You don’t look so certain about everything now, huh? Everything we’ve worked for, eh? Bam! Down the drain! And why? Because of that Zuckerberg dude! He should have gone to schul instead of going to Harvard, goddammit!
Ya’alon: I know some PR people we can call, maybe —
Izzie: Shut up Bogie, there’s no time for that. We’re gonna make a decision now. We have to decide what we’re going to call a country of 7 million that rules another 3 million with no rights, and we gotta do it fast. Alright, anybody got some ideas?
Barak: I got one! How about, “the most moral democracy in the Middle East”?
Izzie: I like it, but it’s a bit demanding. Anything less obligatory?
Yishai: How ‘bout “the only Jewish democracy in the Middle East”?
Izzie: I dunno. Too Jewish…
Meridor: Maybe we could use an option that would leave things open for the future. For example: “The only democracy in the Middle East, besides Egypt and…” and so on, as regimes fall one after the other.
Izzie looks at Meridor, the blood rushing to her face…
Meridor: I’m so sorry, that was uncalled for. They won’t fall Ms. HolyLand, I promise. I’m the Intelligence Minister. I’m sure.
Izzie: Shut up. You didn’t even see the Egyptians tweeting this one in Cairo and look what happened. I’m surrounded by losers….
Begin: I know! Let’s call it “the original Middle East democracy”.
Izzie: Jesus Benny, where do you think we are? Doing the Manhattan “Ray’s Pizza” or “Ray’s Original Pizza” wars? Your father must be turning in his grave.
Netanyahu: Try this one for size: “The first democracy in the Middle East”.
Izzie: Hmm…. Something boring about that one, Bibi. But then again, I wasn’t expecting much from you.
Lieberman: This is what we will be called:
Everyone silences and waits for him to utter the words
Lieberman: “The best democracy in the Middle East”.
Izzie: I think we got a winner folks!
Everybody claps their hands wildly. Except for Lieberman.
Izzie: OK, I’m glad we got that settled. Now, as long as I still have you here, let’s deal with the next one we might lose if there are eventually two states. As you all know, most American Jews, while mentioning Israel, always add that we’re “approximately the size of New Jersey”. That could all change if we give these guys a state. So, I say we go for Delaware. But Rhode Island isn’t a bad option, either. Any thoughts?
For more Izzie in HolyLand, press here